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The Colony On Discovery, Final Episode |
 The end of the world has
ended. The Discovery Channel served up its last handful of Doomsday Reality TV tonight. We saw the final episode of The Colony.
The Colony started where it left off last week, with Solar Powered
Trike accident. Tiny Penis "Illiterate" Handyman has wrecked Solar
Powered Trike. Tiny Penis "Illiterate" Handyman has also hurt himself,
which makes Gay Drug Trafficker Contractor show his softer side. "Get
UPPPPPP," shrieks Gay Drug Trafficker Contractor. "Take my place
working on Battle Truck while I wander around looking important so I
can come back later and yell at you more for doing things differently
than I would have donnnnneeee!" So, Tiny Penis "Illiterate" Handyman
does what he is told, which is generally shocking and must mean he is
concussed, because we have watched him argue with people over NOTHING
for weeks, now.
If you have been paying attention and not falling asleep (OK, I've
fallen asleep several times this season), you know that The Colonists
need Battle Truck because they need a better place to live (in the reality TV sense of "living"). They've run out of crap to invent in
Sanctuary Warehouse. Plus, they are facing a very terrible Actor
Invasion. Oh, and they have no food and water (big deal). So The
Colonists vow to devote every single ounce of their energy into
finishing Battle Truck...which naturally means that they have to work
on Sanctuary Warehouse Defenses instead of finishing Battle Truck. It
is a miracle any of these people ever accomplish anything in life. I
seriously feel that they probably hop from stall to stall in public
bathrooms instead of just peeing their pees into one single toilet.
However, The Colonists have learned a tiny bit about Completing Tasks
In A Linear Fashion, so they leave Old Soldier Man to work on Battle
Truck. Old Soldier Man has proved his worth this season by losing his
knife, losing Dr. George, and helping with Dud Fireworks Display. The
right man for the job, obviously. He says, "No problem! I finish one
day." Rest assured that his fellow Colonists will be back later in the
show to scream at him for being so effing slow and he replies, "No
problem! I finish two days."
The Colonists go into Overkill Security Mode, instead of pausing to
consider the fact that they will be battling Actors. Traps, nets,
greased floors, flamethrowers, and MOLOTOV COCKTAILS. Oh. My. God.
How hard do they think it is to thwart Actors? Just set up a table,
pretend it's an audition, and all of the Actors will rush away right
after their turns because they are already in danger of losing their
jobs at TGIFriday's from taking so much time off work for auditions.
Also in this five hour long season finale (OK, it was just an hour
long), The Colonists shriek "Ewwww!," in unison when Old Naked Rain
Dancer eats cat food (the last of several insults the show threw in the
faces of truly hungry people everywhere). We are treated to a touching
secret speech from Gay Drug Trafficker Contractor about how he isn't
going to New And Improved Sanctuary with The Other Colonists, he is
going to stay behind and rebuild Los Angeles. Um...it's a TV show, Gay
Drug Trafficker Contractor! Los Angeles is still there, you are just
in the bad part of town! Secret Re-building Of Los Angeles Speech
rings my "Somebody Is Writing Lines For These People" bell again. Oh,
and somebody (the producers) actually tunes into Colonist Radio Channel
and sends a message about where New And Improved Sanctuary can be
found.
Then.....Actors attack! I briefly wonder who insured this show
because there WAS a great deal of fire. The Colonists seem to actually
hold off the Actors, but Sanctuary Warehouse is finally overrun, and
The Colonists are forced to escape in Battle Truck and Doomsday Dune
Buggy Ranchero. Blab blab, driving on the paved L.A. river basin, blab
blab, "We are The Colonists, we are so great, we survived a fake disaster with nothing
but help from a television network," but WAIT!!!!!! Gay Drug
Trafficker Contractor stops everything to reprise his "I must save Los
Angeles" speech. The Colonists gladly give him Doomsday Dune Buggy
Ranchero for his journey, which of course makes me wonder if that is
why they built it in the first place, because maybe THEY KNEW ALL ALONG
THAT GAY DRUG TRAFFICKER CONTRACTOR WAS GOING TO NEED IT.
Finally...The Colonists drive away from a picture of Los Angeles in
smoking, post apocalyptic ruin.
I'm going to miss The Colony, honestly. It was so easy to make fun
of. Morgan from the show was nice enough to reply to me on Twitter,
which is more than Kirstie Alley and Paula Poundstone have ever done.
Somebody from The Discovery Channel has looked at my website a couple
of times. And I got my very first Hate Tweet over these reviews. DO
IT AGAIN, DISCOVERY CHANNEL!!!!! END THE WORLD AGAIN!!!!!
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