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The Colony Prepares To Decolonize |
 Tuesday Night. The Day After
Tomorrow. A Viral Outbreak Has Ended The World. The Colonists of The
Colony on Discovery Channel are in trouble. The show opens with
touching proof that The Colonists are withering away. Before and After
pictures of The Colonists show that their now bigger hair has indeed
made their bodies appear smaller.
The challenge before The Colonists this week is to prepare Battle Truck
so that they may escape their once-beloved Sanctuary Warehouse.
Sanctuary Warehouse is dirty. Sanctuary Warehouse smells icky poo.
There's no place like home, and Sanctuary Warehouse has ceased to be
home to The Colonists because it's running low on Civilization Kits
left by Off-Camera Experts. Sanctuary Warehouse is now like a tin can
in a workplace that has no recycling bins, yet has a sign over the
garbage can that says everyone should recycle at work. Sanctuary
Warehouse is annoying as hell to everyone. Well, it is to me.
So, The Colonists gather to work on Battle Truck, and in the spirit of
focus and unity that they've shown us over the past two months, some of
them wander off to make Dune Buggy Ranchero. Dune Buggy Ranchero is
important because it will split the group up while they are on the road
to New And Improved Sanctuary. Dune Buggy Ranchero is important
because it will use up precious fuel on the road to New And Improved
Sanctuary. Why do The Colonists need Dune Buggy Ranchero? Because
it's something to invent while they should be finishing another
invention, I guess. I'm really beyond being able to understand much of
this show anymore, even when I watch the second showing.
Work work work, invent invent, invent. Then, The Colonists take a
well-deserved break from wandering from project to project. They
decide to have some fun. While they merrily push each other in grocery
carts to prepare themselves for future cannibalism, Former Sanctuary
Warehouse Owner (actor) sneaks in the back door. Oooooohhhh, a
Non-Colonist in Sanctuary Warehouse! We know how The Colonists hate
other people! As usual, the girls chase Former Sanctuary Warehouse
Owner out, and he shouts over his shoulder that HE WILL BE BACK.
HE WILL BE BACK. That is terrible news! The Colonists must work
faster, so they start working faster. They are spurred on by the
appearance of Former Sanctuary Warehouse Owner's Chick (actor). You'd think
that these people would be glad to see a different face, but they never
are. THEY HAVE TO GET AWAY FROM ALL THESE PEOPLE!!!!!!!
For the sake of human interest, The Colonists have a fight amongst
themselves because they are, in fact, people, and we all know The
Colonists can't stand people. Fight is over, apologies happen, back to
gadgets, but then MORE DAMNED PEOPLE SHOW UP!
Actor Traders (actors) arrive with their goods for trade and with their very bad
French Accents to remind us that this show isn't real. After
considerable screaming and penis size comparing, The Colonists do what
they always do and trade away stuff they would certainly need in the
future if the future on this show were longer than 10 weeks. Would YOU
trade away solar panels for a few gallons of gasoline in a world of
dwindling resources? It's like trading your house for a fart. Sure,
it might seem like a good idea at the time...well, it's not really a
good idea at all, is it? Oh, and Hooker Dress Blonde Chick trades herself for peanut butter. No surprise, there.
Actor Traders leave and The Colonists proceed to wreck the vehicles
they just invented. Yay. They'll have to invent something else to drive now,
but they need to hurry because next week the end of the world finally ends....it'll be THE FINALE.
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